I get on my soapbox (a lot) about self-care, and I feel like I give pretty good advice to others, BUT when it comes to actually following my own advice, it’s HARD. I encourage others to take time for themselves, to fill their own buckets so they have something left to give others. To put their own oxygen mask on first. I am keenly aware of when my husband or kids need to do the same (and it’s a part of our weekly family meetings). So, why is it so hard for me to take my own advice? Why do I have GUILT when I do the things that I harp on everyone else about?
I recently started going to physical therapy for an injury that has been ongoing for the last 5 months. To be honest, it’s not something that affects my ability to function in daily life, so 5 months doesn’t seem like a terribly long amount of time to wait, BUT even after waiting that long to have it addressed, I STILL felt guilty after the first appointment. It seemed frivolous and indulgent to spend 2 hours away from the kids to get treatment. The thought of going twice a week for 4 weeks, with each appointment requiring me to be gone 60-90 minutes seemed excessive. The (monetary) cost would not be insignificant. And in the end would this really fix the problem? I was doing the cost/benefit analysis in my head the moment I left that first appointment and literally came home saying I probably shouldn’t go back. My husband of course was very supportive and encouraged me to at least go to a few appointments to see if there was any improvement, and assured me that he could handle the kids and we could figure out the scheduling tetris.
But here is my question — WHY did I have such a hard time taking care of my own body after it had been telling me (nudging me, screaming at me) for 5 months that something was wrong? Is it my own inherent personality? That probably plays a small part, but I think it has more to do with how we are conditioned as women, and mothers specifically, to put everyone else first. Our needs are not even secondary –we are at the bottom of the barrel. If you can keep moving and doing your other jobs then you are fine, keep trucking along. Keep taking care of everyone else who needs you. If (and only if) everyone else’s needs have been met, AND if you still have time/energy/resources to handle your own needs, then you are “allowed.” PS: I’m not even sure I would categorize seeking medical treatment for a health issue as self-care — but we’ll get to that.
And while we are talking about what is NOT self-care, let’s be clear on this part. Self-care is not basic hygiene (taking a shower!) and handling biological needs (sleeping and eating properly). It is also not mindLESSly binging on Netflix / Wine / Food. It is also not getting groceries or running errands without kids. Believe me, the last two are NICE, but you are still working to care for your family, and just because the job got easier without little people in tow, doesn’t mean you are taking care of yourself in the process.
Self-care IS doing the things that fill YOUR cup. And that doesn’t look the same for everyone. We are sold on the idea that bubble baths, and wine, and chocolate, or getting your hair/nails done, or getting a massage, or going out with friends is self-care (probably by those who will make money if you do those things, but we all perpetuate these ideas too). These things MIGHT be self-care for you, and that’s great. Do those things. Do those things guilt free and enjoy them and let that fill your cup.
For others, self-care might look entirely different. I personally don’t appreciate the bubble baths, the massages, the nights out with friends in a way that fills my cup. They are nice, but they don’t fuel my soul. They don’t allow me to come back refreshed and ready for more pokemon battles, and splitting up fights, and “Hey, Mommy will you (fill in the blank).” I am an introvert. I am recharged and re-energized by silence and alone time — which to be honest is tricky during this pandemic, but our family has worked some things out over the last 11 months. I am also fueled by getting to use my personal resources in ways that (I hope) help others — like teaching yoga, or writing these blog posts. These are the things that make me feel like a productive and useful human being, contributing to the health and well-being of others. And while it may sound like “work” or more caring and giving to others, it REALLY is what helps me care for myself — it makes me feel WHOLE.
And as I write this, I have also realized that the two things I need to recharge (solitude, and a sense of purpose) DON’T MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY! Like at all. So here’s the take home message: first, spend some time figuring out what really fills your bucket. What feeds your soul? What are the things that you can do (for YOU) that make you whole and perhaps don’t even make you feel guilty — they just make you feel complete. That may take some time to figure out, especially after all the conditioning we’ve had about what self-care “is.” Take your time, and once you know what you NEED, it’s just a matter of finding a way to fit those things into your life at a frequency that is sustainable. Good luck!
