Are you all familiar with the book, Yes Day? It’s a short children’s book that is just about the worst thing you can let your kids read. I’m pretty sure they managed to make it into a movie (that I refuse to let the kids see). The premise is that for an entire day, the parent won’t say no to whatever the child requests. It’s a free for all and the kid can ask for anything — eat ice cream all day, play video games for 12 hours straight, have a food fight and destroy the house — and the parent has to say yes. The idea of it alone is cringeworthy, and I’m sad to say we own the book. And we in fact did have a “yes day.” Once. And it about destroyed me.
My husband is a yes person. He will say yes almost instantly, without thinking about it really, to practically any of my requests for help. It’s usually a scheduling tetris question and I need him to help with the kids at an odd time. He says yes and he sorts out the details later. I imagine in his work life he is also generally a yes person too. Especially when it comes to helping someone out in a way that allows him to share some business knowledge. Like reviewing a book, or going on a podcast, or offering tips and tricks for somehow making your business more efficient. And he will say yes even in the throes of some big undertaking in his own work life when he is already swamped. “Just pile it on,” is one of the things he says. Even on a stacked day when everything that could go wrong already has, he will still say, “Yes…just pile it on.” Like deep down, he knows he should just say no, but he can’t.
I am a no person. It’s like word vomit for me — it just spews out without me even having to think about it. If I am pressed to give a response, or if I’m not given enough time to make sure that I can fully commit and do a good job, my answer will be an immediate no. If you say I can get back to you, I will most likely work it out so that I CAN say yes. I WANT to say yes, but to me saying yes is a big commitment. I won’t say yes and then back out. I won’t say yes and then do a half assed job. If I’m in, I AM IN.
There are many articles and books devoted to just this idea. The power of saying no. Improving your work life or home life, or mental health all by just learning to say no. This is great advice for all the yes people out there (and probably really hard to implement), and all the no people are just quietly nodding their heads, thinking, yeah, I got this. And it’s true. How many things do you say yes to (professionally or personally) that really don’t move the dial?? Meaning, you say yes, you do the thing, but in the end it wasn’t really helpful, or productive, or necessary, or meaningful to you or to others?? I’d be willing to bet that it’s quite a bit, and probably more often than you’d think.
Let’s take volunteering as an example. This is a big one for me. I want to volunteer. I want to help create magical memories for my kids whether it be for class parties, the PTA, girl scouts, boy scouts, sporting events, etc. You name it, there is a volunteer slot (or 20) waiting for you to sign up. BUT I challenge you to think about the amount of time and energy (and maybe money) you are putting into these activities to make them happen. And for what? I’m pretty sure my kids would be just as happy playing heads up seven up and getting a few pieces of candy from their teachers for their class party and don’t need a set of 30 volunteer parents to create an epic class party 3 or 4 times a year complete with bounce house, dj, and flavored ice food truck. I’m exaggerating of course — I haven’t seen a class party quite like that, but I’m sure they exist. I’m also sure that if I spent however many hours just being present with my kids instead of coordinating that class party, it would be a lot more meaningful and memorable — for them and for me. And so, post-covid I’ve become even more guarded about giving a “yes, I can” response about volunteer duties. Early on in the pandemic I even stepped down from a few larger roles that I had and have no plans to increase my level of involvement now that things are opening back up. I also think that this “no” will lead to more time spent on things that DO matter to me. That DO move the dial.
Clearly I don’t need help saying no to things, but what I do need to work on is saying yes a little bit more (at least to things that will be meaningful to me and my family). And so, I’ve started using a new phrase: “I’ll take it under advisement.” I use this a lot with the kids. You know how kids are, they ask a million questions all day long. I love them, but it really is incessant. It’s mind numbing at best and I feel like at some point in the day my knee jerk reaction to hearing them speak is just to say, “no” or “I don’t know.” However, because I’m aware that I’m a no person, and because I don’t want to say no all day long, I’ve started to use this phrase, “I’ll take it under advisement.” I have a friend who takes it back to Pirates of the Caribbean and tells her kids, “I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request.” Either of those phrases sound a lot better than, “NO!” And let me tell you, it works. They get VERY excited when I don’t say no. Almost as excited as they would be if I actually came out and said yes. And even if whatever it was they wanted, doesn’t happen, at least it wasn’t immediately shot down. At least it wasn’t a “no”. At least I kept the hope alive for a few more hours.
