I firmly believe that everyone, yes everyone, is doing the best they can.  Really.  They are doing the best they can with the information and resources they have available to them at that moment in time.  Pause on that for a moment.  

Yes I even believe this about people whose words and actions offend me to my core.  Whose beliefs are polar opposites with my own.  People who do and say things that go against every fiber of my being.  Oh yes, now let that one sink in.  

The lens through which we see the world is unique to each of us.  We form our opinions about the “truth” as we know it based on how cloudy that lens is.  And there are many outside factors that affect how clear that lens can be at any given moment. When another person chooses an action, it is based on his / her / their  knowledge of what the truth is.  Of what THEIR reality is.  That might not be the same way you see the world.  

Let’s start with a small,  palatable and benign example.   Let’s say someone bumps their cart into the back of your leg at the grocery store.  I’d be willing to bet that no one, while grocery shopping, is intentionally out to get you and crashed into your leg on purpose.  Even if it was your own child, I’d guess that they weren’t paying attention — probably not even looking where they were going — and didn’t realize how close in space you were to the cart.

Did it feel good to get bonked by the cart?  No.  Did it surprise/startle/hurt you?  Maybe a little.  Did you whip around to see what was going on?  Of course (fight or flight response, hello!).  Did you pause and take a breath before you open your mouth to speak/yell at/accuse the perpetrator?  Hmmmm……..  

If you took that moment to pause you might see the other shopper just as startled when they realized they accidentally bumped into someone.  OR, maybe they aren’t even aware yet that it happened.  They were so lost in their own thoughts and their own world they didn’t even know you were there.  You weren’t even a part of their reality. They are doing the best they can with the information and resources available to them at that moment in time.

Okay, now let’s take it up a notch (or several notches).  Think of someone, or a general group of people whose beliefs differ from your own, perhaps even anger you.  THEN, consider what information and resources they may (or may not) have.  This could be their level of education, or general intellectual aptitude.  It could be the environment they grew up in, values they were raised with, beliefs so ingrained in them from the time they were young that they can no longer discern between truth and rhetoric.  It could be financial resources.  AND also consider for a moment when you are passionate about something.  Do you always see clearly and can you be “reasoned” with when you are fired up about a cause or topic near and dear to your heart?  Is it easy to be open to new ideas and perspectives?  Probably not.  The lens gets a little more cloudy, things even get blurry, when we get excited / passionate / fired up (hmmm, fight or flight again).

Okay, so this person (or group) whose beliefs differ from your own, has made a statement or acted in a way that you disagree with or perhaps has offended or hurt you.  Is that person intentionally making choices to anger you?  No.  Are their words and actions aimed directly at you to harm you in some way.  Probably not.  They are making choices, having conversations, and taking actions, based on their truth.  Based on their version of reality.  Based on the resources they may or may not have.  Based on the lens with which they view the world.  And in their mind, they are doing the right thing.  They are doing the best they can with the information and resources available to them at that moment in time.

If you are still with me on this sentiment, then the next logical step is figuring out how to manage your own behavior / actions / responses when you are in a situation of feeling hurt, offended, or attacked by another human being.  On my best days I TRY to remember the following:

  1. Pause.  Take a breath (or 2 or 3 or 10).
  2. Remind yourself that everyone is just doing the best they can.
  3. It’s not about you (whatever the other person is doing is about THEM).
  4. Work to control your own words and actions (because that’s all you CAN control)
  5. Don’t engage (flight) 
  6. If you do engage, choose to spend your energy wisely and KINDLY (fight…fairly).

For any parents reading this, I find this to be particularly useful with my children.  Multiple times a day in fact I have the opportunity to practice this.  Am I perfect.  No.  Do I blow past all the steps every now and then and simply react.  Yes.  But, I’m a human being too and a work in progress.  And maybe I’m just doing the best I can with the information and resources available to me at that moment in time.

And maybe, just maybe, this applies to you too. Maybe on those days when YOU aren’t your best self. On those days where you get flustered or you are short tempered or you snap at someone or you yell at your kids. Maybe YOU are just doing the best you can with the information and resources you have available at that moment in time. And maybe you should give yourself that same grace and that same courteousy you might offer to others.