I am nervous. And I’m excited. But mostly, I think I’m nervous.
Okay, I know I am nervous. As of the writing of this post I have received dose 1 of 2 of the Covid-19 Vaccine. As I stood in line at the CVS for my first dose I could feel my heart rate increasing. I was actively attempting to slow my breathing, but I could feel a lightness and fogginess in my head that probably signaled increased blood pressure too, and less blood flow to my brain. I wanted to sit down, but didn’t want to look like a lunatic in the middle of the CVS. I actively pressed my feet down into the floor to ground myself (careful to leave a slight microbend in the knees), continued the attempts at slow deep breaths, and started to force myself to read the packaging labels around me. Repeating the words over and over in my head. Keeping myself present in the space. I’m not sure if I was headed towards a panic attack or just passing out — I didn’t want either to happen — I wanted that shot!
Once my name was called, I entered the treatment room, sat in the chair and everything was fine. The nurse / tech (?) asked a few questions and gave me the shot. It hurt less than a flu shot. Let me also be clear here — I am not afraid of needles. I am generally not squeamish about any medical procedure. And even as I write this I’m not sure WHY I had such a physical reaction BEFORE getting vaccinated. Perhaps I’m a little anxious about having side effects from the vaccine. I am not likely to have a severe reaction, but I’ve met my immune system. When that second dose rolls around it will probably knock me out for a couple of days — and ain’t nobody got time for that! But more than being concerned about a potential physical side effect, I think my worries are rooted in the social and emotional consequences of being vaccinated.
I am grateful for science and am 100% eager to be a card carrying member of the Fully Vaccinated Club, but what exactly does that mean? I’ve been thinking A LOT about this over the past few weeks and recently I’ve been reading more articles about the subject. Since the beginning of the year I’ve been seeing all the facebook posts (mostly from my old nursing colleagues in the beginning) of people getting their first and second doses of the vaccine. Recently I’ve also noticed more social media posts of people starting to gather in small groups outside of their family units for events. The excitement and joy that others are exuding seems to be palpable even through the screen, but for me, the emotions are more mixed. More hesitant.
I realize that this may not be a popular opinion, but I actually don’t want this pandemic era to end. Yup. I said it out loud. Don’t get me wrong, I DO want the threat of serious disease and risk of death to be over. What I don’t want to end are the lifestyle changes and social norms that I have grown accustomed to over the last year.
As a mother of young (ish) children, I will admit that this hasn’t been the easiest year of my life. I am also thoroughly and completely ready for them to go back to in-person school. That said, I HAVE enjoyed (on most days) the time that I have gotten to spend with them and the opportunity to get to know them better. I have enjoyed less scheduling tetris, less running around to a zillion activities, and less planning/chauffeuring them to various social engagements.
I have enjoyed simpler celebrations. All of the holidays were pared down, but in particular the kids’ birthdays became a more peaceful time. We did zoom celebrations for friends and family, which not only allowed me to be PRESENT for them–instead of running around being the hostess — but also eliminated getting caught up in the preparations (no food, no cleaning, and very little planning necessary).
Drive-up services have been one of the best things to come out of the pandemic, and they MUST continue in the post-Covid era. My kids are old enough now that popping into a store with them isn’t normally that big of a deal, but it wasn’t that long ago that I would have KILLED for someone to bring my order out to the car so I didn’t have to wrangle two practically helpless (and most of the time uncooperative) human beings just to get a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. Or dog food. Or my Target shopping list. Or my Thai food take-out. Where was this service when I had an infant and a two year old?
If you have been following this blog, you also know that I am pretty introverted. While I haven’t had the benefit of being quarantined alone (that would have been Uh-May-Zing!), I have undoubtedly appreciated all of the social habits that are currently considered normal. However, I’m afraid they will be considered odd in the near future. Right now it’s acceptable for me to drop something off on a person’s doorstep, not knock, and simply text from the car in the driveway saying that I left something for them. No conversation needed.
There are no social events for which to RSVP “maybe.” It’s always a hopeful “maybe” for me. They sound fun, I want to be acknowledged and invited, but really when it comes down to the day of the event, I might just not have it in me.
I don’t have to have the same “micro-conversation” over and over with acquaintances just for the sake of being polite. You know what I’m talking about. It’s so-and-so’s mom, who is friends with your kid, and you run into them at a school event. You know who they are but you don’t REALLY know them and they don’t REALLY know you. It’s just polite conversation, “catching up” from the last polite conversation you had with them, but it never goes deeper into anything really meaningful, no real connection or bond. Those conversations are exhausting to an introvert, and I have had very few of them this year. It’s been lovely.
I know there are introverts out there reading this, nodding their heads and feeling seen. And the extroverts are probably scratching their heads. I know that these things don’t “take energy” for extroverts, and if you are one, you may not understand what I’m talking about. Just know that all of these activities are extremely depleting for those of us who are introverted. This year has given us a break from a lot of interactions that totally drain us, and honestly, we feel more energized NOW.
I am also certain that I have developed other odd social habits, maybe some that I’m not even aware of yet. I know that my inclination now is to keep a SOLID 6 feet of distance from people. What is going to happen the first time someone approaches me without a mask. What if they try to shake my hand or hug me? I was never really a “touchy” kind of person, but now???? I’m pretty sure I may have an unconscious physical response that isn’t “appropriate.”
I’ve always got my mask (either on or at the ready). Hand sanitizer is in my pocket, on my key ring, in my backpack, with spares in all the cars. Masks are in all locations as well AND each child has their own bin of masks near the front door. It’s a part of my word vomit when we are getting ready to leave the house (“bathroom, shoes, socks, jacket, masks….”).
And it’s not just me who has developed these new habits and feelings of comfort and/or discomfort around others. My kids, for better or for worse, are really good at following the masking and distancing rules. So much so that I can see the discomfort in their body language if their friends or other adults get too close. It’s “okay” right now, but how long will it take for that physical reaction (to the presence of another human in their personal space) to dissipate?
I have also noticed that even as people are getting vaccinated and have started gathering at events, when they post the images on social media, they are very quick to justify the scene: “Don’t worry, we’re all vaccinated.” Or, “we all got Covid tested right before this trip….” When will that end? What will it really take for us to get back to “normal.”
How do we (mostly the introverts) all “re-enter” society in a way that doesn’t overwhelm our nervous systems? How do we dip our toes in the water just to test it out? Should we let all the extroverts out of their quarantined lives first — let them get all the partying and hugging and gathering out of their systems before us so we don’t get overwhelmed? We’ve ALL changed over the last year, in big ways and in small–and these changes aren’t going to be undone quickly, or perhaps ever. We are forever changed by this experience and we are going back out into the world with new traumas, new coping mechanisms, and new perspectives. We are different people than before, so how do we go back to life as it was? The social engagements, (previously) acceptable social behaviors, and physical proximity rules we had before worked for our OLD selves. Are there new rules now? Are there new norms? I kind of hope so. I think there has to be.
As I mentioned, I’m only half vaccinated right now. After the two weeks post-second dose, I’d like to share it on social media (like everyone else and their mother). I’d like to post it as a way to say, hey, science is cool, you should get vaccinated too. BUT, I feel like it’s also an invitation for others to start inviting me to things and expecting me to be more social. An invitation to be bombarded by all the things I am so grateful to have “less” of right now. An invitation to invade my personal space and fill up my calendar. So perhaps THAT is why, as I stood in line for my first dose (half-way to being fully vaccinated) I had such a strong physical reaction in my body. The reality of change on the horizon was settling in — or rather coming in by storm — and I’m not ready for it.
